Courage
June 7th, 2011
Courage is a complex thing. It can be noble and inspirational, but also unexpected, frightening and it is often accompanied by a feeling of great nausea. Courage is not something you are born with it is something you acquire. There are those who come by it more easily than most, they are very fortunate. The rest of us stockpile emotions of outrage and fear until we decide we just won’t let our oppressor take the lead any more.
I remember the day during my sixth grade year when I finally stood up to the bully. She was as bratty as Nellie Olsen with the fists of Scut Farkus and her reign of terror lasted from the moment we began elementary school, almost to the moment we left it. One day as my friends and I were out on the blacktop playing Four Square when she began hurling insults in our direction. I finally had enough. My hands balled into angry little fists and my mind ignited, I let the big red ball bounce past me out into the grass as I cut across her poorly constructed diatribe about my lack of popularity. I didn’t punch her, although from the look of shock she wore I believe my words had a similar effect. I simply told her that she wasn’t popular and the only reason everyone knew her was because she was mean and scary. It was simple and effective. I had taken away her power and at least for me, her reign of terror was over. It was a character building moment.
Now that I am thirty-two, my oppressor isn’t the schoolyard bully, but the combination of mind, machine and concrete.
If there are any readers left, you may have been wondering where I’ve been for the last eight months. You read that I was getting on with things and not going to let a silly thing like being injured falling from my bike stop me from achieving my goal. Last October I interviewed Ted Simon for this blog, but didn’t have the time to write it up immediately. At the end of October a great time devouring monster also known as the Mutineer Comedy Festival took over my life. I was brought onto the project a few days after the interview by my Editor In-Chief. We were getting a breath of fresh air outside of the Jordan Winery Halloween party and whether it was the air, the French 75′s or my desire to do some good in the world, I don’t know, but I agreed to plan the festival. My life became a whirlwind and I had zero time to breathe, much less write. Our meals consisted of takeout and the word “busy” was quickly redefined for me. But, we were doing it for an incredible cause, clean water for children in Nepal, and I threw myself into it completely. By the time it was over I hadn’t been on the bike in so long and the courage I had built up earlier had been obliterated by the emotional exhaustion brought on by months of chaos and eighteen to twenty hour days.
I went from being too busy, to avoidance. I would pretend I didn’t see the Pathway to Mongolia link in my toolbar and pass my bike with nothing more than a suspicious glance. I have been unconsciously avoiding writing up my Ted Simon interview, because I felt as if I lacked character. Mr. Simon has spent countless hours analyzing and reflecting on both the world and the inner workings of his life. He has given himself to experience so often through the years, that it is second nature. His honest and unashamed analysis of his life in the world has stood as a symbol of my own lack of courage and inhibitions. The guilt and shame I have felt at my cowardice has been tremendous.
That all changed this morning. I didn’t spring from the bed ready to ride or anything, but rather, I felt the familiar pangs of envy as I watched Phil walk across the living room in his riding gear. For the first time in months, I allowed myself to think about Pathway to Mongolia and about the experience of a lifetime that I will miss if I keep hiding under a rock, lying to myself and allowing any flickers of courage to be shunted aside. Suddenly, I was logging on to Pathway. A shortcut presented itself on my prolonged, circuitous path and the shame I’ve felt too often over these months has been replaced by a glimmer of courage.
The time to be bold in now. For me, for you, for anyone not willing to live a life devoid of courage and experience.
I’m back.
